The pain of change...

Springtime always stirs my heart. The sound of the birds singing. The beauty of new life as the flowers begin to bloom. This year it seems to be stirring deeper than ever, bringing up a lot of unresolved pain from deep within my soul. Pain that comes with life...pain I have tried to ignore...

I have been thinking a lot the past weeks about all the things in this life that come and go. The people, the places, the seasons... I have also realized that I have been creating a barrier around my heart to protect me from the pain of change..the pain of losing people, changing places and seasons.

My mom died 12 years ago this spring and once again as the flowers begin to bloom I am painfully reminded that she is not here to enjoy what she loved best. I am reminded of this empty place within my soul. I know they say it gets easier with time...really? Oh how I would love to be able to talk to her..to ask her some hard questions about this life of mine, to be able to share all of my heart with her...I don't think I ever did that. To just simply plant flowers together...we loved that...

When you lose something or someone that is so close to your heart it is hard to let anything or anyone get that close again. Well it is for me and when I have the pain of change seems to always show up and the wall continues to go up.

We spent 10 years getting to know new people as they came and went within the church body that was struggling so to keep on keeping on. We fought the good fight but our hearts grew weary and we made a change. A change that brought pain and still does. I miss every single one of those people. If you know me at all then you know I miss the children the most. Their smiles, their hugs, their laughter and their always present unconditional love. Oh to hear just one of them say "Miss Carol"

Change is hard for me. I will admit I am a control person and I don't like it when things don't go as planned. I have to step back and know that it isn't about "my way" but His way. So hard to let go and let God...

My job of the past five years was such a blessing for my soul. I didn't realize that either until the pain of change showed up again. I miss the opportunity I had to love and to be loved. We had the greatest patients you can imagine. Yes we had a few that made it tough at times but over all...they brought such joy to my life. They even brought flowers...I miss those flowers...

Oh and these seasons called life...they are the hardest of all...no way to know what is next and what it will be like. Let's just say I love spring the most, when love was fresh and new and the babies were filling our quiver with their little lives. I cherish those memories...just wish I had cherished each and every moment and not rushed through them. That is so hard to do when they are small and they keep us busy every moment of every day and even some nights. We hurry them to crawl, to walk, to talk, to go potty, to write their name and say their ABC's...to grow up... before you know it...they did just that...I miss my quiver fillers...

I am so proud of each of them and thank God for what He is doing in their lives. I thank him for letting me be their mom. He must love me a lot to have given me such a gift.

This barrier around my heart has to go. I want to be able to live each day to the fullest. To love and to be loved. To give what I have been given to this world. To make someones day a better place to be. I know I may love and lose again...that's okay...the love will be worth it...it's time to change even if it hurts...

And he changeth the times and the seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding. Daniel 2:21